I sit on the shore of a melancholy sea
And look out at that space between sea and sky
Infinite in its’ fading of greys and blues
Unsure of its composition, one form fading gently into the next
It seems so still in that place, like a place where no time exists,
Like a place where I’d like to end up in the end
The waves keep washing over my feet, so insistent in leaving and returning
My feet are wet where they were once dry, a fact impossible to ignore
Such a beautiful sad sea, possibilities in its contradictions
Deep in its spaces, Empty in its fullness
I have a small sailboat that rides the velvety black surfaces
I dip my hand into the waves and feel the cold wetness surround my skin
This little boat was built to endure long voyages with out the certainty of land
Yet it feels like there is always a leak to be fixed, always a place the water comes pooling in
Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to just let the water become the boat, Then maybe I could ride out the waves
Other times, I long for land that is absolute
Supportive in gravity, certain in mass
Unlike this sea that is so unimaginably temporary
Never a solid place for footing, only learning how to swim
I am afraid I might become a terrible deep-sea creature
If I stay in the waters too long
Pruney fingers and toes gone a step too far
So I focus on the way the wood curves to fit the sea
And the way the entire sky fishbowls at the edges
The way my skin thickens in the sun
And the way the salt stings my eyes and fills my lungs
I focus on the little things available to my senses
Like the way the stars look like little glow globes in the water’s reflection and the way the moon waxes some days and wanes others
I fret about the leaks and whether the wood will withstand more wind and wave and I worry that the paint is chipping and that surely this will matter to somebody
I get anxious a lot about directions
That’s the thing about traveling in water
Once you get out far enough, it’s impossible to tell which way you’ve chosen
All directions seem the same, for inevitably,
The only thing you can know for certain is that at some point you’ll float right into that void between the water and the sky
Everyday the world turns and the sea stays the same
And I’m swimming and I’m swimming and I’m swimming
No not sushi-though my dream sushi roll would include salmon and fresh water eel, let’s be honest.
No, I’m talking about my dream acting roll (one of so so many). I’m putting it out there in the universe. Let it be known!
A fairy princess.
Firstly, I wish I could just be this in real life, but alas, I am a human of no royal descent, I can’t fly, and really when it comes down to it, I’m way too tall. Eh, You win some, you lose some.
So I am settling to pretend to be this!
Think about it, a fairy princess lives in a home like this:
or like this:
Before fairies were even a concept to me, I wanted to live in a tree, or nestled into the side of a hill (hobbits and the Weasley’s anyone?) Plus fairies tend to live in lush abundant parts of the world where life and food and beauty all flourish. I have a particular affinity for the rolling green hills of the United Kingdom and open lands of Northern Europe, and naturally fairies are associated with these places.
A fairy is one with the animals, and enjoys carefree days in nature, except when she’s adventuring.
She has a keen sense with herbs and is an excellent cook.
Fairies are natural DIY-ers.
Her world has not been corrupted by the SHIT that we humans are inundated with. Life is simple and honest.
A fairy’s life is set to a soundtrack like this:
or most epically, this:
A fairy can fly!
A fairy has fun getting into mischief of the best kind.
Fairies and their world represent the way things used to be, and I’ll be forever longing to live in a time that is not my own, and yes it is true, a time that may have never been. I can’t help it. I imagine, back when the cottage industry was in full swing, before the industrial revolution, everything one made had value, because it was done in small batches by hand and required tools and resources that took time to make and forage. People were connected to their values intrinsically, instead of philosophically. The world was dangerous, because it could not be controlled or hidden and because it was vast and unknown. Out of necessity, the wonderful things about life, like eating with good company, and laughing heartily and drowsing in the sun and loving deeply were top priorities. Or so I imagine it to be this way. Certainly, this is true in a fairy land.
A fairy is a fragile creature, and can be flighty and ungrounded, but at her core, she is good, and for what its worth, I think we need more good in this world. In the story of a fairy princess. She might have a terrible purpose to bring light to darkness, to experience evil and combat it. To rise above her flitty nature and make a difference in an epic way only appropriate for fairy royalty.
What’s your dream?
I’ve realized that I have in many ways, been a closeted “nerd” my entire life. Or rather, I have been hanging out in a closet full of so many other “nerds”, that I never realized I was even in a closet in the first place. As it happens (to my shock), there is a WHOLE WORLD outside the “closet de nerde” full of people who think about things completely different than me! (I know, my lack of awareness is astonishing). As the days go by, I realize more and more that the closet I’ve been pleasantly living in, is proportionately the size of Harry’s first living quarters (only the nerds will understand this one, sorry, not sorry, non-nerds), and the time has come for me to realize that I’m a wizard- I mean nerd. and I need to move into a magical castle-wait I mean the real world, and proclaim my new-found identity for all to hear (even though I know, Harry would totally get kicked out if he even THOUGHT about that. GAWD).
The beginnings of the realization started earlier this year, when I started watching more television/films from the 80s. I suddenly realized (I knew it deep down) that my soul child-inner essence-most secret-sacred life baby is a multi-colored, elastic, thigh-high leg warmer that can do nothing but dance to electropopsynth/new wave.In realizing this, I came to know true devastation. My parents had failed me. All of that “good” parenting I got along the way meant nothing in the face of my new-found disappointment in them. Not only had they NEVER sent me to a sleep-away camp like in the movie “The Parent Trap” with Lindsey Lohan (I will never forgive), they had neglected to make me watch certain key television programs, that, had I seen them then, would have changed the course of my entire nerd-path.
1. The X-files.
Serial-watched these last year like a fiend. Because, a- Aliens. If you don’t believe in them, we are now enemies. Seriously, don’t talk to me ever again. b-Scully and Mulder. The most superlative representation of balance and co-existence with the singular driving force of finding the TRUTH, against a background of weird shit always going down and mysteries and tech stuff and really really smart writing.
2. Freaks and Geeks.
Full disclosure. I knew so little about the series, when the last episode of Season One came to a close, and I suddenly realized that there was no Season Two to immediately dive into, I lost my shit and started uncontrollably sobbing. I don’t think I’ve ever been so connected to so many characters simultaneously. They were my friends, guys, and then NBC comes marching in, all normal and not tuned in to nerd-life and kills them. Viciously. Unceremoniously. The freaks and the geeks of this world are my fellow people. Like, I feel really intense about this, weirdly maternal and full of desire for battle and fierceness to protect them at all costs.
3. STAR TREK
Oh my God. I mean, Oh my God. I feel like I’m only just beginning with it, and there is still so much to see- a whole Universe worth, but already I know It is everything I idealize, it is a vision for the future, it is a group of people unafraid to dream, to look beyond the horizon. It is expanded thinking and good hearts and integrity. In a way, it makes me sad. Sure it’s just a television show, but it represents, at its core, another path, one, that if given the opportunity, I would with out second thought veer course for.
So these are the main ones, I’m sure more will come along. Like for example, yesterday, I watched some anime. There, I said it. A little embarrassing, when you’re coming out of denial that you’re one of the “cool kids” (the curse of going to Art school for your entire life), but I’m just trying to come clean, and you know, stop all dat frontin. And with this anime film I watched, It wasn’t Studio Ghibli-it was like, other..regular Anime. By the way, I have no problem telling the WORLD about Studio Ghibli and Miyazaki’s masterpiece films. If you haven’t seen them….I just. They are extraordinary. I’d start with his most famous- “Spirited Away”, and from there immerse yourself completely (My neighbor Totoro, Kiki’s delivery service, Castle in the sky, Porco Rosso, princess mononoke, Howl’s moving castle, the cat returns, ponyo, arriety). They transcend all genres, they are just good films.
I digress. I did in fact, watch just like some anime on netflix, and it was pretty good. But I must clarify. For me, though I may be a nerd, I would like to proclaim myself as a high-brow nerd (is this a new term?) Like maybe slightly pretentious (deal with it). I like sci-fi. But it has to be good and there is so much terrible, just the worst thing you’ve ever seen sci-fi. I will watch Battlestar Gallactica for example, but keep me far away from most anything else that airs on the sci-fi channel. Or with Anime, I will watch Miyazki films and things cinematically similar, but wtf most everything else. It’s in general, wayy too weird for me.
Also fantasy novels…I mean obvi GOT (Game of Thrones for the non-nerds reading), but over the course of the last 2 years, I’ve been reading the DUNE series by Frank Herbert. Came out in the 70s. It is blowing my mind, I might even like it more than Game of Thrones. Just saying. So. fucking. good. Gotta read a lot of paragraphs twice cause it’s so smart and oh-so meta. And did I mention it’s about the universe? (if you can’t tell, that’s sort of a theme for me).
So, it’s has been proclaimed. Now you know, I’m out. I am a nerd. Others out there, let us band together as the magical, goofy weirdo dreamers that we are. Cause when the going gets tough, the nerds turn into unicorns (too weird? I think not), and seriously, nerd life is the best life.
At certain times in my life, I get way too serious for my own good, it’s exhausting. I have to remember to go lightly and laugh often!
It’s like that friend you know no matter how long you go without talking to, all will be the same, the minute you call them up.
I realized recently that the reason I love photography, is because amongst all the terrible candid shots I take of people/animals/things/places, I may have the opportunity to capture the perfection that life can be, if just for a moment. I have always been a chaser of ideals. Whether they are real or not matters less, than how beautiful they can be. Sometimes I take photos of things that look better than they actually are. Sometimes the picture I take could never begin to capture how amazing something is, and sometimes the two align. The moment captured is the moment itself. The ideal and image of the photo perfectly represents the real moment. This is the great joy of photography. The ability to make perfection, which by its very nature is temporary, last infinitely.
I go through life doing a host of mostly uninspiring things-sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, drinking water, staring at screens, driving. But interspersed, are these secret little gems. These are what I live for. I am addicted to beautiful moments. I go out of my way to see them, I inconvenience myself to experience them, because they are always worth it. They are the fuel that keeps me going.They make me feel. In a world, where we are beaten numb into not feeling or thinking or truly seeing, they are the brief respite.
Two summers ago, sitting in a cafe with my friend Marta.
Our sweet neighbor, Abby in front of my Mom’s garden.
Our backyard fence and the crabapple tree behind it
Melanie dancing at a party in Boston
Jake and Sydney dancing in Boston
Marta, Carley and Keith outside of Sunflower market
Petals on the stoop after a storm in Boston
Oil spill after a storm in Boston
Maggie and Bridget on the roof.
Flower field in the Arboretum in Boston
At Lily’s highschool graduation party last summer.
Raspberries in my Uncle’s backyard in Portland, Oregon
Spider home in Portland
Apartment dog in Vancouver, BC
Skeleton leaf in Vancouver
Lily in Vancouver
Lost Lake in Nederland, CO
All the Amari at Pizzeria Locale (formerly my job)
Zoe being bashful
Christmas Morning on the flatirons
Big Elk Meadows
Seagull in Malibu
Melissa, Sonia and Melanie in SF
Melanie and Melissa at the Ocean
Sophie at home
Wild mountain flowers
Storm on the midwest
Summer Solstice in Nederland
Zoe and Marci at Audrey’s 4th birthday party
Happy 4th Birthday Audrey!
Had a moment with this Turkey